Here in New Jersey, we deal with the Covid-19 pandemic by expecting the worst and hoping for the best. We worry over whether the virus will kill us; then we go out and buy a Power Ball lottery ticket.
I’ve adapted to life during Covid-19 like I did when I was a Girl Scout surviving sleep-away camp in Bear Mountain. I wear a face mask, stay six feet from everyone, and pray a big orange Sasquatch doesn’t kill me in my sleep.
Actually, my Girl Scout years prepared me well for a pandemic. The scout motto: “Be Prepared” has helped me survive all these years, although a trip to the wilderness held a different meaning back then. We were urban scouts, so preparing for a camping trip meant packing a carton of cigarettes and a quart of vodka. We didn’t sing songs and toast marshmallows around the campfire. We got hammered on Seabreezes and Crème de Menthe jelly shots. If there was a merit badge for bartending, I would have earned one for mixing cocktails in a canteen for the long ride home.
Like everyone else in New Jersey, Covid-19 restrictions have changed my life. When I go to the supermarket, I dress all in black with a face mask I made from a coffee filter, a beach towel and extension cord. I zig and zag down one-way supermarket aisles dodging people at a six-foot distance, yelling “Go back. You’re in the wrong lane. Go back. Go back.” Am I acting like a crazy person?
Running down the aisles of the supermarket like a crazy person reminds me of the 1960s TV game show Supermarket Sweep where women had one minute to grab all the high-priced groceries they could find and throw them into their shopping carts. “Grab the hams! Go for the Turkeys! women would scream from the audience. One woman in Hi-Tops loaded a wheel of cheese the size of a truck tire into her shopping cart along with an entire lobster tank.
Girls Scouts and 60s TV shows may have prepared me for, well, absolutely nothing, but still, that didn’t stop me from inventing some DIY survival skills of my own.
I never touch a doorknob or an elevator button. Oh no, not any more. I invented this survival tip after watching a movie where the lead character changes a record on the turntable with his big toe. It’s called My Left Foot. After much practice, I can now hit the 10th floor elevator button without using my hands. I call it My Left Boob.
I like the cloth face masks Target sells, but if I can’t find them, I just make one out of anything lying around the house. Last week, I needed one to go to Whole Foods, so I took a Maxi Pad and affixed it across my mouth with duct tape. Then, to be super careful, I shoved two Tampax® up my nostrils. This hygienic tip keeps the germs at bay, and people will eagerly keep their distance, sometimes even run in the opposite direction. Cool, right?
When I head outside for a walk, in order to respect social distancing, I bring my big yellow beach umbrella to keep a safe six feet from everyone else. If I see someone not wearing a face mask – and I admit it makes me edgy when joggers run past without one – I hardly ever whack them with it.
Back home from my errands, I jump out of my clothes like a nudist up for a game of volleyball and I run into the shower to wash off any germs I might have picked up. When I told a friend I did this, she said, “Isn’t that a little extreme?
Hmm. Am I overdoing my new Covid-19 routine? Is washing my bras in Pine Sol a bit too much?
New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy ordered certain parks to open and many people went outside this past weekend to get some sunshine, but personally, I’m just not ready. What if we re-open too soon, and there’s a second wave of the virus. Covid-19 then becomes Covid-20. What then?
So, here’s my last tip. I’ve decided to stay positive and stay the course. I’m not going to be part of the problem, I’d rather be part of the solution. I know that sounds corny, but it’s better than my recurring nightmare where that big orange Sasquatch is trying to kill me.
See you next week!
Hi Amy, hope you and Aiden are healthy and happy— as happy as you can be in all this madness.
so funny......